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My Mother's Marionette v_07 by *GrimEden:iconGrimEden:

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My Mother's Marionette
  
Long abandoned, a marionette rests
beside a child's toy chest. The wooden boy
eyes the window. Desire manifests
passed days filled with Summer’s sun and joy.
Today: worn down, discolored, unpossessed -
the toy a story of past incidents.

Broken brown limbs hang limply on the side
of the puppet's body. With parts missing
and string frayed, the misused boy lies wishing
for the perfect puppeteer who’ll provide
support and care to selflessly guide
the toy. The last owner stopped maintaining
the illusion of life, so now, waiting
alone, in the attic I reside.
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Submitted: February 10, 2008
File Size: 822 bytes
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Comments: 32
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Author's Comments

This is a revision of the previous poem. Not only is there a different tone, but a different voice entirely (I said I could make it more personal).

I reversed the Italian sonnet because I wanted to end with the longer stanza.

I tried to keep the syllabic form tight, and maintain the integrity of the sonnet's end rhyme. I did well enough, but some parts I may want to revise.

I see a couple words that jar the melody, and a little bit of inconsistency in meaning.

This thing is taking forever ....
Daily Deviation, 2008-04-11

Daily DeviationMy Mother's Marionette by *GrimEden is a well-executed "reversed" (as the poet puts it) Italian sonnet about a neglected wooden boy, with a dark twist at the end. A mesmerising read. (Featured by `lovetodeviate)

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Devious Comments

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Comments


=AlecBell:iconAlecBell: Feb 20, 2008, 5:40:30 PM
It's a wonderful idea, executed with a ll the care such a wonderful idea deserves.

The shift to the first person in the last line produces a frisson of shock. Is that the spectre of Freudian motherhood in the cupboard?

Your misused boy has a haven in my favourites gallery.

--
There's always a better poem just out of reach.

Words create situations

The roots of the future run deep
*GrimEden:iconGrimEden: Feb 20, 2008, 6:28:13 PM
Thank you for the kind comments, :+fav:, and :+devwatch:.

I'm sure Sigmund Freud would approve of the tone shift, and the undertones of blame placed on the parent.

I hope the poem does not come off as too judgmental - I choose the 3rd POV to attempt to skirt that issue. Then again, most of my verbs and adjectives are weighted. ...

--
~D
=AlecBell:iconAlecBell: Feb 20, 2008, 6:48:17 PM
When it comes to making peace with the past, judgment probably has to precede mercy.

It is truly a lovely and original poem

--
There's always a better poem just out of reach.

Words create situations

The roots of the future run deep
~daghrgenzen:icondaghrgenzen: Apr 11, 2008, 9:00:05 AM
gorgeous writing! drew images in my head, this one did... :+fav:

--
Kit, "How about your love life?"
Steve, "That should occupy all of ten seconds. My love life is like the Loch Ness Monster - rumours of its existence are greatly exaggerated."
-Killing the Shadows, Val McDermid.
~nekonigiri:iconnekonigiri: Apr 11, 2008, 9:23:18 AM
this reminds me of my poem in some way. It's called Marionette, check it out if you want.

--
--Nekonigiri aka Paige R.
Tokio Hotel Fans, my fan fic, My Destiny
Clubs I'm in:
=RawEm0tion ~Potential-Poets ~yukinoclub ~KaixHilary-lovers *100ThemesChallenge
~AdagioArt:iconAdagioArt: Apr 11, 2008, 9:25:02 AM
I love it when writing creates immediate illustrations in my head. This did just that. Thank you!
=Joyblack007:iconJoyblack007: Apr 11, 2008, 2:30:39 PM
Makes me think, and stays with me even after the initial read, which is always the sign of a good poem, in my opinion.

I think this should be expanded. While I think your choice of structure makes the poem more interesting, I think the ending is too abrupt. The dramatic mood change between the first and second stanzas, as well as the change in narration...the last lines are a mental jolt....and because there's no expansion to that I feel as abandoned as that toy in the attic. I'd like to see a more well-rounded conclusion to this. It doesn't have to be satisfying, but you can at least develop the puppet's past and add some more character development as an emotional catalyst for the story.

Maybe that's it: I don't think the structure completely connects with the subject.

But just because I don't agree with your choices doesn't mean the poem isn't good. The imagery and diction is fantastic. And you're the one that has a daily deviation. ;)

--
If you tell the truth you never have to remember anything.

Be enlightened. --->[link]
~hakeberhut:iconhakeberhut: Apr 11, 2008, 5:33:48 PM
I feel like this would be better as prose than poetry. Other than that, good. But. . .what exactly is the POV in this? The boy, or the marionette?

--
Porn is for people with no imagination.
~dangerdave3:icondangerdave3: Apr 11, 2008, 8:08:24 PM
Let me start by saying I like the idea a lot, and I admire the care that seems to have gone into it.

Now, I don't like how you change speakers at the last minute. Consider changing "the puppet waits" to maybe "I willowed wait."

--
I tried
to demonstrate how little changes can have big effects

but i guess the effects weren't so big
because they only saw little changes
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